Dogmine

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Polar bear and dog hugging.

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you’ll get what you want.
2. Don’t go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you’re dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it’s not wet and sloppy, it’s not a real kiss.

Watch out for coughing dog.

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.

The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.

Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise he didn’t feel it. He dug around again, but there didn’t seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn’t finish the job, and without the pay he couldn’t even buy food for supper, let alone tomorrow.

When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn’t do it, she would have to hired someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.

When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What’s more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!

The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.

Few people have ever heard these words…until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you on rehu are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me.”

10. One of those little chuck wagons from the dog food commercial.
9. A talking “Spacedog” doll.
8. One-year membership in the “Dirty Sock of the Month Club”.
7. One of those electric stun guns like the cops have. (Never mind why…).
6. Black leather spiked dog collar for that special Saturday night.
5. Bob Barker’s address. (See #7 above…).
4. A signed copy of Lassie’s biography, “Timmy’s in the Well Again”.
3. A rubber chicken to tease the cat with.
2. 34 ounce, 38 inch Louisville Slugger. (Never mind what for…)
1. Just once, no stupid doggy t-shirt that says “Fire Hydrant Inspector”.

A guy is at a nightclub. His bowels start to grumble and can feel a huge fart coming on. He heads for the toilets, but there is a line of people already waiting. He is getting desperate and would be very embarrased if other people heard him passing wind. Then he notices a lady with her poodle, and thinks “if I sit near the dog and fart, people will think the dog did it”.
He races over near the dog, and lets out a beauty.
The lady says “Fido!!”.
The guy thinks “Yes…this is working!”, and lets out another fart.
The lady repeats “FIDO!!!!”.
The guy thinks “What an idea, no one will know it was me,” and lets out another fart.
The lady screams “FIDO!!!!!! Come here before he shits on you!”

Dog is given trean on his head and then would eat. Trainer tricks by faking a treat. Dog looks for treat. Poor thing.