Reading dog
September 30th, 2009
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Categories: Funny Pictures
Archive
Archive for September, 2009
Snoring husband and dog
September 30th, 2009
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A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can’t sleep,his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog’s testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into The bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: “Boy, I don’t remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!
Categories: Jokes/Humor
Duck and dog
September 29th, 2009
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Duck and dog have an intimate relationship. So cute.
Categories: Videos
Jesus is watching
September 29th, 2009
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A burglar breaks into a home; its dark and he is walking around when he hears a scary voice.
“Jesus is watching you!”
He stops and looks around in the dark, scared. He walks another few feet when the voice comes again, this time louder.
“Jesus is watching you!”
By now, starting to freak out, he wonders if this is a good idea.
He walks another few feet when suddenly the voice comes again, louder and right in front of him. By now terrified he pulls out his flashlight, and in the (shaking) beam of the light he sees a parrot in a cage.
The parrot says “Jesus is watching you!”
The burglar says ” so you can talk.” The parrot replies, “Of course”.
The burglar says “what’s your name then?” The parrot replies “Samson”.
The burglar laughs and says to the parrot, “what sort of idiot calls a parrot Samson”.
The parrot replies.” The same idiot that called the Rottweiler Jesus!”
Categories: Jokes/Humor
Puppy that sneezes
September 28th, 2009
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The puppy does a lot of tricks, but the best one is the ability to sneeze when asked to.
Categories: Videos
If dogs could write a letter to God
September 28th, 2009
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Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,\ whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?
Dear God,
These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
- I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- I will not chew my humans’ toothbrushes and not tell them.
- I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
- We do not have a doorbell. – I will not bark each time I hear one on\ television.
- I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.
- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
- I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.
- Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying ‘hello.’
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
- The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply, and just because the water is blue, doesn’t mean it’s cleaner.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
- I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my rear end can quickly clear a room.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
Categories: Jokes/Humor
How to photograph a puppy
September 27th, 2009
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1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s month and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- “No, no outside!”
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a drink.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.
Categories: Jokes/Humor
2007 Ugliest Dog
September 27th, 2009
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Here is another view of him.
Categories: Funny Pictures