Dogmine » Jokes/Humor

Old Granny and dog

admin — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:55:17 +0000

There was an old lady and her dog who lived on the coast and every day she and the dog would take a stroll along the beach. One day she stumbled across a bottle. She rubbed the bottle and a genie popped out, who said “You have three wishes.”

The old granny said “I want a million dollars.” Within moments, she was sitting on a pile of cash.

Then she said, “I want my old house to become a mansion.” Immediately, her house became a palace. Then she made her last wish: “I want to become a beautiful young lady and my dog to be my handsome young husband.” “Done,” the genie said and, as the lady and her dog were transformed, the genie disappeared.

The woman took her things and went home. Then she hopped into bed and took her new, handsome husband with her. Then he said, sarcastically, “Now aren’t you glad you got me neutered?”

The train the soldier and the poodle

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:38:43 +0000

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.

He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?” The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”

The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said, “Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”

The woman told him, “I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.” At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said, “You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

A dog named Sex

admin — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:44:01 +0000

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Roy.” I call mine “Sex.” He’s a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to the city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too.” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for sex.

He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny–I have the same problem.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had sex before I was married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me, too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.

Dog show in heaven

admin — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 04:07:17 +0000

It was a slow day in heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on.

“It’s slow here too,” says Satan.

“Well,” God said, ” I think a dog show might be fun. Let’s put on a dog show.”

“Sounds good,” says Satan, “But why are you calling me? You’ve got all the dogs up there.”

“I know,” answered God, “But, you’ve got all the judges down there!”

Whose dog is it

admin — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:30:05 +0000

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ”Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ”Nope.”

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” The old man muttered, ”Ain’t my dog.”

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Snoring husband and dog

admin — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:02:22 +0000

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can’t sleep,his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally,unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog’s testicles, sure enough, the dog stops snoring.The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into The bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says: “Boy, I don’t remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

Jesus is watching

admin — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 04:02:08 +0000

A burglar breaks into a home; its dark and he is walking around when he hears a scary voice.

“Jesus is watching you!”

He stops and looks around in the dark, scared. He walks another few feet when the voice comes again, this time louder.

“Jesus is watching you!”

By now, starting to freak out, he wonders if this is a good idea.

He walks another few feet when suddenly the voice comes again, louder and right in front of him. By now terrified he pulls out his flashlight, and in the (shaking) beam of the light he sees a parrot in a cage.

The parrot says “Jesus is watching you!”

The burglar says ” so you can talk.” The parrot replies, “Of course”.

The burglar says “what’s your name then?” The parrot replies “Samson”.

The burglar laughs and says to the parrot, “what sort of idiot calls a parrot Samson”.

The parrot replies.” The same idiot that called the Rottweiler Jesus!”

If dogs could write a letter to God

admin — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:06:07 +0000

Dear God,

Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,

When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the ‘Chrysler Eagle’ the ‘Chrysler Beagle’?

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,\ whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID’s, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,

May I have my testicles back?

Dear God,

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

- I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

- I will not throw up in the car.

- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

- I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

- I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

- I will not chew my humans’ toothbrushes and not tell them.

- I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

- We do not have a doorbell. – I will not bark each time I hear one on\ television.

- I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with them.

- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.

- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

- I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.

- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

- I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting a bath.

- Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying ‘hello.’

- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

- The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply, and just because the water is blue, doesn’t mean it’s cleaner.

- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

- I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my rear end can quickly clear a room.

- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

How to photograph a puppy

admin — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 03:36:25 +0000

1. Remove film from box and load camera.

2. Remove film box from puppy’s month and throw in trash.

3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

4. Choose a suitable background for photo.

5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.

6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.

10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.

12. Put magazines back on coffee table.

13. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.

14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- “No, no outside!”

16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.

17. Fix a drink.

18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” the first thing in the morning.

When good dogs go and crossbreed

admin — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 12:54:36 +0000

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband

Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed