Dogmine

To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

“Hey,” says the dog, “I’ve never had money before.”

10. There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with
copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a
#2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting
material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front
of your dog’s crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme
colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS…

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
• I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
• I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
• I will not roll my head around in other animals’ poop.
• I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
• I will not lick my human’s face after eating animal poop.
• “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
• I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
• I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
• I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the “perfect” place to poop.
• I will not eat other animals’ poop.
• I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.

10. Thought the house was too orderly
9. Never did like having a full nights sleep
8. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
7. Thought the furniture looked too nice
6. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, pre-dawn, etc.
5. Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn’t want
to pay a gardener.
4. Neighbors didn’t complain enough
3. Kids weren’t enough of a challenge
2. If you can train & show one dog, why not ten
1. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows

• You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
• Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
• You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
• The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you’re at work.
• You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
• Your dog sleeps with you.
• Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
• You can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
• You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
• Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
• You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.
• You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
• You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
• You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
• You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
• You’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
• You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it’s one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
• You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
• You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
• You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day.
• Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
• Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
• Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
• You don’t think it’s the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping “Meg, pee!” over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she’s out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
• You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
• You have your dog’s picture on your office desk (but no one else’s).
• You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
• You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
• You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs her walk. You don’t go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
• Your friend’s dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
• Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
• You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night (after all, her other dish is way down on the first floor…).
• Your freezer contains more dog bones than anything else.
• You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
• You shovel a zigzag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all her favorite spots.
• You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
• You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
• You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
• You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
• Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!
• Your parents refer to your pet as their granddog.
• You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
• Your jewelry box contains no jewels… just those fasteners from vari-kennels.
• Every time you read the name Bob, you think the guy’s first name is Best of Breed.
• Your house isn’t carpeted–the fuzzy furballs under your feet are soft enough…
• Your hungry hubby comes home from work, lifts the cover of the pan on the stove and says, “Is this people food or dog food?”
• Your hungry hubby once ate the dog food and asked for seconds.
• You don’t give a second thought to using the brush you just used on your dog to give a quick run through on your own hair.
• At your dinner parties, you always double check the butter before putting it on the table.
• You put important papers in your latest issue of your breed magazine you know you will find them there.
• You have dog hair stuck on tape on wrapped gifts.
• You have dog toys and treats in your briefcase.
• You have several albums filled with the 8 by 10 pictures of your dogs but you can’t locate any pictures of your kids to send to grandma.
• You show up at the car dealers with a ruler, to measure and see if your big dog crate will fit. Before the actual purchase you make the dealer cringe by insisting that you load both crates and dog into the shinny, new vehicle to make sure it works!
• You can’t get the groceries in the car because its A) already full of dog food B) you have that big old crate in there.
• You visit relatives only if there is a dog show nearby.
• You remove all the seats from the van except the two in the front so you have room for crates…
• The passenger seat is full of dog stuff.
• You cringe at the price of food in the grocery store but think nothing of the cost of dog food or treats.
• You have six squeaky hedgehogs… but only 1 with a squeaky that works.
• You put popcorn in the clean dog dish for movie night.
• You pull out your credit card and little bits of liver are stuck to it…
• When you get your latest roll of film and there isn’t a single picture of a two-legged person in it…
• People at work have stopped offering you their lint brushes; they realize it is a hopeless case.

Afghan:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Australian Shepherd
Put all the bulbs in a little circle …

Beagle:
Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one? And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Chihuahua
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Dachshund:
I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Doberman Pinscher:
While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

Greyhound
It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Hound Dog
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Irish Wolfhound
Can somebody else do it? I’ve got a hangover.

Labrador:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!!! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.

Pointer
I see it! There it is! Right there!

Rottweiller:
Go Ahead! Make me!

Shitzu:
Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing.

Toy Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cat:
You need light to see?

20. Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ‘Vista.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
16. Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. * ( * 1 Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )

14. Invisibath — The power to disappear at the first sound of
bath water
13. ViseHump — The leg hump grip of steel
12. AquaField — Immunity to bucket of cold water when
copulating in driveway
11. Skeetvision– The ability to shoot laser beams from your
eyes to blast that damn Frisbee out of the sky
10. SuperBladder — Loaded with Toxi-Urine — One lift of the
leg and this town is mine!
9. SquirrelFreeze
8. AnalTelepathy/ButtSniffery — Two powers which when
combined allow one to smell another dog’s butt without
actually having to get up and move around.
7. John-O-Matic — Turns any toilet bowl into a punch bowl by
sheer force of will.
6. ChuckSpeed — Ability to catch that friggin’ Wagon Train.
5. Anti-Psych-Out — Immunity to all that “fake throw”
nonsense.
4. VacuCalm — Utter self-control whenever the vacuum cleaner
is turned on.
3. GucciTract — An invincible digestive system that sustains
itself entirely on designer shoes.
2. King Fido’s Touch — Everything you touch turns into crap

And the #1 Super Power Most Coveted by Dogs…

1. DoberMorph — Ability to change into a Doberman anytime
someone rolls up a newspaper.